We meet a man for a year and a half. We have a rather big difference in age – 20 years, it is very jealous of me, and on this basis we often have quarrels. Since childhood, it was much easier for me to be friends with the guys, and this did not go further than a good friendship, but my man was very outraged.
So first, walks with friends, even in mixed companies, and then the slightest communication with the opposite sex, disappeared. The only allowable communication is in study (I am studying on a programmer), and then periodically correspondence are checked. I don’t like it, but I decided that since he was so calmer, then okay.
I try to show in all ways that I have the only and beloved, but each time the reasons for the quarrels are more stupid and stupid. From the latter: when leaving the pub, she wished the bartender of “good evening”, very old acquaintances congratulated on the 18th anniversary on social networks, congratulated her classmate on her birthday (wrote “congratulations”), did not picked up the phone, as the phone was on soundless.
After another quarrel, the reason for which I do not even remember, we made up and spent a superromanic evening. My classmate wrote to me, with which we were friends well before the university of 2 years, but stopped my friendship when I had a relationship. Our communication has come down before studying and phrases “You how?", However, my boyfriend did not suit this, and for some reason it was to this classmate that he was most jealous.
There was nothing wrong with that message, the only request to help with the laboratory, but I did not want to spoil the evening even with small bickering and deleted correspondence, although before that I showed everything to the man. Naturally, when he saw that I deleted the correspondence, the phrases began “that means it was something to hide”, “how much time I struggle with your correspondence with the guys, and all to no avail”.
The quarrel was very long and heavy. A lot of things were said, and many phrases were too offensive. But it was decided to make a small pause and after several meetings to celebrate the New Year together. Despite the fact that there was a lot of tenderness, pleasant pastime and tact (hugs, kisses), I see that it does not let him go.
At one point, he talks about some kind of joint future, and the next one-that I betrayed him and he cannot forgive me. First, he circles me in the dance, hugs and gives a ring with a slight hint of marriage, and then reports that I am ungrateful and that with her “adventures” and love of communication with the opposite sex, everything ruined.
In a few days spent together, we did not even Full description have a hint of sex. He sees me a traitor – and that. I don’t know what to do. I love him and I want peace between us to be, love. In the end, I want sex. But I know that I did not do anything bad, I know that even in my thoughts I can’t change him, that if I say that he is right, everything will be even worse.
Conversations do not lead to anything. I explain that I did not want to spoil such an evening and that there was nothing in the correspondence – it does not believe. I say that I do not need any other guy besides him – like a pea against the wall. If he does not take into account his jealousy from scratch, then he is the perfect guy. Good, caring, smart, but the time of quarrels is all just crossing out. I love him and I want to be with him, but what to do – I don’t know.
Lisa, the emotions of the partner, of course, need to be taken into account, but your needs and desires are no less important – because they should also be a place in a relationship. Relations are truly safe when they are built on the mutual respect of the personal borders of each other and on the respect of the personality as a whole-her interests, views, values.
I see that you are trying not to hurt your partner. You go towards him, build behavior so that he does not hurt. I see in your behavior a manifestation of care in relation to another. But I do not observe from your story, so that the partner in this regard also shows care for you. Because, it seems, his jealousy hurts both of you.
The fact that the topic of jealousy is so sensitive to him is first of all his problem, and secondly, the problem of your relationship. But this is not exclusively your problem in any case. It is important that the partner takes responsibility for his problem and try to solve it himself. To work on its jealousy so that it does not cause so much pain, you can independently or through therapy with a psychologist.
So far I see that the partner solves his problem through you – limiting your freedom
Thus, you become responsible for his problem: it depends on you whether it will be jealous or not. Such shifting responsibility does not contribute to building trust and filling relationships. Judging by what you tell, such a restriction of your freedom does not bring you pleasure. Restriction of freedom against will – this is violent tactics. The restriction of freedom in any sense contradicts the concept of respect.
Instilling guilt and broadcasting the idea “You have spoiled everything” are manipulative and violent tactics. They are manipulative because they are used to make a person repent and obey. Violent – because a person causes a sense of shame and guilt that causes torment (this is called emotional violence).
I recommend that you read this article And go through this one test . If you are interested in, what can lead to the presence of emotional violence in a relationship, then I recommend the book " Does not hit, just offends ". I understand that there is no physical violence in your story, but perhaps in the book you will find stories similar to yours and options for their solution.
It also seems to me that in your situation it is important to explore your emotions and behavior
Judging by what you tell, these relationships are really important to you, since you are ready to make such concessions in relation to yourself. It seems that fidelity is really your strong and developed ability. I also see that you have a well -developed ability to obedience in order to maintain an important. Perhaps I am mistaken, but it seems to me that through fidelity and obedience you express your love (not only through these qualities, but also through these). Being true and obedient is maybe your way to show a partner how much you love him.
But at the same time, I see that you are discomfort from the fact that you are deprived of communication with others, from the fact that your partner emotionally punishes you for non -compliance with the rules. And here I have a question: how can you show yourself that you love yourself? How can you be more true to yourself? How can you obey your rules? And what kind of rules would it be?
Because, it seems, remaining true and obedient to his rules, you risk losing yourself in all your diversity. Our “I” manifests itself and develops, including through communication with others, we express ourselves into the world through our communication in people. It seems that now you are very limited in such an expression.
Now, judging by the story, you choose to be more faithful and obedient to him, and this suggests that these relations are really important to you